My Unexpected Life: Finding Balance Beyond My Diagnosis
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Jennifer Gasner
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I met the author at a book fair in Minneapolis 1.5 years ago. I picked up her book as I am also a woman with a disability writing a memoir. I talked with Jennifer and she signed my book for me. She is a warm and inviting person. It was great to see her again this last fall.
In her memoir, Jennifer starts out as a teen, noticing changes in her physical behavior. She was stumbling and having problems with her grip. Her first experience with a doctor was traumatic, as she had to have a spinal tap, and the doctor seemed incompetent in his performance and dismissive of her symptoms. Her parents decide to wait until Jennifer graduates from high school to get another opinion. In the meantime, she develops a new symptom: urinary incontinence.
After the second doctor visit, Jennifer finally gets her diagnosis. Friedreich's ataxia, a form of muscular dystrophy. She finds out there her prognosis is grim, and that there is no cure. But if she doesn't develop heart problems she could live a long life. And physical therapy could help. She is affected by watching a Jerry's Kids MD telethon. She sees people like her and they don't look well at all. Their images are forever in the back of her mind, as she tries to live with this new reality.
She goes off to a small college, one that she can navigate. She starts her first year partying and drinking, trying to drown out her problems. Jennifer develops a relationship with a fellow student that is already dating, but he takes advantage of her insecurity. She manages to make friends, most being accepting of her and her disability. Jennifer hides how she really feels, but on the outside, she tries to make light of her situation, and not dwell on it with her peers. Her experience with the disability services at school is positive, as she gets help in writing and testing. She cheats on a test, but manages to use her disability to excuse herself, and is not expelled. She finishes out the year and spends the summer at home.
Jennifer writes about how her family is a typical midwestern Lutheran family (so am I!), and they tend to not talk about their problems but instead deny them. Her parents decide to move to another house, and Jennifer has to advocate for herself, for she knows that a wheelchair is in her future. But when her parents do find another home, they forget and find one with stairs, even though it is one level. Jennifer uses this summer at home to decide to change the trajectory of her life, for she knows that drinking causes incontinence, and the toxic relationship has to end.
She finishes her college career with a walker and sticking to her goal of not drinking and no more toxic relationships. After college, Jennifer moves back home, with no job prospects. The family decides to attend a MD support group, but that is a depressing, negative experience for them. Jennifer resolves to move forward and live life to the fullest, not dwelling on her disability but focusing on what she can do to be as independent as possible.
With a full-time job, Jennifer is finally able to move out into her own apartment. Twice in her life, she gets letters from the Social Security Administration that she owes them money. This is a frustrating trial for her, one that many people with disabilities experience. She ends up owing nothing to the government, a great relief for Jennifer. After being employed in a disappointing job, she decides to go to graduate school. This college seems to think being Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) compliant is an afterthought, and Jennifer's experience is not as welcoming as her undergrad experience.
Then Jennifer injures her leg, and she decides, at first reluctantly, to get a wheelchair. The doctor prescribes an electric one, and she has to figure out how to get around on the transit system. She goes to the mall on her first foray in using the bus, and is accosted by a group of people who want to pray for her. Unfortunately, this will not be the only time this happens. During this time, Jennifer decides to enter the Ms. Wheelchair pageant. At first, she is reluctant, as she didn't want to admit that she was disabled, but it turns out to be a positive experience, meeting successful, beautiful people using wheelchairs.
Jennifer finally gets a job helping others with disabilities with the services and helps that they need. This is the perfect job for her, as she can relate to her clients, and she learns about the disability advocacy movement. The pinnacle of Jennifer's independence was getting a van that she could use with hand controls.
I have read this book numerous times, it is that good. She is so honest in her feelings and thoughts throughout the book, it is refreshing to read. I highly recommend this book, not only for people with disabilities, but for all, including loved ones of those with disabilities. It is an educational, and eye-opening book, into the mind and world of woman with a disability.
The Healing Path: A Memoir and an Invitation
James Finley
James frames this book with sharing about how his wife is dying of dementia. And in this process, he details his life, from his first memory to present day, when his wife breathes her last breath. He had an abusive and alcoholic father, and James found solace in God and his Catholic faith. He managed to escape this abuse only by imagining that it was another child being abused, almost like watching himself being abused, but being separated from the victim.
James also found healing through Thomas Merton's writings, that he happened to find at his Catholic school library. He found solitude with God, a way to cope with the abuse of his father. James decided, against his father's wishes, to join the monastery after graduation, which he did, joining the one that Merton happened to minister at.
The monastery experience at first was idyllic. James experienced the presence of God like never before. He felt the love of God, and his love for God deepened. But then came a sinister element, another abusive relationship. He later escaped this travesty, and tried to resume a "normal" life with marriage and children.
James developed his relationship with God, despite the busyness of life. He decided to go to college for psychology, where he started to experience his own transformation by being vulnerable and humbled to God and others. He was delivered from his old self, which died to a new self. He developed a confidence in God that James would continue in his healing journey through His presence. He was broken, and in his brokenness, he was seen as a child of God, worthy of love.
He decided to divorce his wife, for it was a contentious relationship, full of strife. He found another mate, and married her in his transformed state. He regretted his first marriage, wishing that it never happened. God's love and mercy transformed Jim, as he learned to love himself, as God loves him.
Throughout this tome, James shares spiritual insights that can help the reader in their own transformative journey from pain to healing. I enjoyed reading this little book, and felt a peace at the end, like James did, when his wife died, knowing that God was with them, even in that last moment.
Becoming Free Indeed: My Story of
Disentangling Faith from Fear:
Jinger Duggar Vuolo
Jinger grew up in a legalistic setting of an egotistical minister who controlled the lives of his flock. Although her family was entrenched in this system, she doesn't begrudge them of their faith. She puts the blame on the man who lead that church, a fundamentalist Christian sect. She was one of 20 children, her parents following the adage of having as many children as possible. They were made famous by the reality show about their family. I never watched it, but I knew about it.
Jinger starts writing about how she disentangled, not deconstructed her Christianity. She grew up in this sect, but started to drift away when an older sister started dating a man who was not in this church. Jinger had to "chaperone" them on their dates, and meeting the young man and his family and church was an eye opener for her.
Jinger writes about why people join these types if legalistic cults. They join to have a sense of security in following concrete rules. Nothing is ambiguous or gray. All is black or white. It gives the believer confidence that they are obeying God. In this tome, Jinger writes how she found true freedom in the grace of Christ, not a faulty person.
Jinger talks bout growing up in the limelight of the reality show, of which she seemed to accept and enjoy. She also writes about her family, how loving and supportive it has always been. But she also writes about having anxiety and an overly guilty conscience. She tried to be a "good" Christian, and this gave her great pain, for the leader of this sect was her god, not Jesus Christ.
She details the rules of this church, explaining them using personal examples. In addition to chaperoning her sister and soon to be husband, Jinger started dating another man who was not part of her church. He encouraged her to read the Bible with God in mind, not the cult. She soon learned how wrong this cult leader was, and she turned to Jesus as her God, not a man. She went into detail refuting the rules of this church, speaking about God's grace and sovereignty. This helped Jinger with her anxiety and released her from fears that God was judging her always.
Jinger decided to write this book to help others escape from cults and develop a real relationship with God in Jesus Christ. She helps those who are struggling to find out who Jesus really is, and that He is worthy of our worship, not some fallen man. She also details the message of salvation, which is only found in Him, not a bunch of rules. She goes through the Bible, explaining who Jesus really is, the Son of God.
Jinger does warn those who leave legalistic systems. It is hard to leave something that you have built your life around. And you may lose relationships. But it is so worth it. For you replace the lie with the truth, which is only found in Him. I found this book to be very readable and interesting. It is Biblically sound. I encourage all who are in legalistic systems, or know someone who is, to read this book.
A Quiet Mind to Suffer With:
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Mental Illness, Trauma, and the Death of Christ
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John Andrew Bryant
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The writer, the protagonist of this tome, has obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). He starts right out describing the thoughts he has in his head of doom and gloom, and that he has to do something to fix it. John names his OCD The Siren. The Siren was a god to him. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is like a worship, an altar. This memoir is about how John suffered with OCD, but then recovered from it.
The first third of the book is a deep, thoughtful summary of John's affliction and healing. He checked himself into a psychiatric hospital, fearful of the thoughts that keep running through his head. His therapist there helps him understand his thinking as an addiction, one of hating oneself, one that can't stop. He starts taking medication, the doctors trying to find one that helps him. He finds peace in learning to depend on Jesus, not himself to stop the train of thoughts going through his mind.
When John was released from the hospital, he found another therapist that helped him understand that his problem was not the OCD thoughts, but that John trusted them and tried to get rid of them, distressing and disturbing as they were. People with OCD are missing a part of the brain that helps us move on from intrusive thoughts. They tend to dwell on them, get upset by them, and try to get rid of them.
John believed that Jesus came into the hell of that place and rescued him. Jesus and his longsuffering wife. He found a quietness in that place that he had not experienced in years, if ever. He found mercy at the foot of the cross. He found that all he needed was to trust, to have faith, in Christ.
John lost his job and his reputation because of the OCD. After being in the psych ward, he tried to develop a life of normalcy. First and foremost, a daily routine of meeting with Jesus. John found meaning in the simple rituals of life, like going to a coffee shop, riding a bike. He found a way back to normalcy.
This book a moments of abstract thought, and at times, I had to repeat what I read. But I could relate to the author, for I, too, have OCD, and have recovered from it. I found his journey to be similar to mine, and that he is able to convey what I am thinking, but I don't have to words to say. I recommend this book for all with mental illness and to those that love them.
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Motorhome Prophecies:
A Journey of Healing and Forgiveness
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Carrie Sheffield
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Carrie introduces us to her memoir, summarizing what it is about in the first few pages. She saw her dad as a hero growing up, but realized that he was only human as an adult, and that only God can be the hero. She learns through trial and error the redemption of souls that only Christ can bring, and finds healing and forgiveness through Him. She talks about the abuse that she suffered as a child, and how it is so easy to leave a cult and replace it with another one, as she did. Carrie shares about how God is not a religion, but rather a relationship through Christ. She does not mean to abhor all religions, but that it is only man's way to relate to God.
Carrie grew up in a large Mormon family, with a father who separated himself from his religion and created his own cult that had aspects of Mormonism in it. but far too extreme. He was a gifted musician, and he taught all children to play instruments so they could play on street corners and try to "preach" his own gospel. In this, he was abusive and neglectful towards his wife and children. They moved around a lot, going from school to school, then homeschooling, in order to escape any government intervention. Carrie's dad was a perfectionist, and expected the same from his family.
Carrie finally left home when she graduated from high school, to go to college. She was an intelligent student, and managed to get some help with her finances, and jobs to help pay for it. She became estranged from her family, her father telling everyone that she is following the evil one and will be a victim of violence without the protection of the family.
Carrie transferred to Brigham Young University, where even though she suffered such abuse at the hands of her dad, she still followed the Mormon way. But during her time there, she was able to research Mormon history and found that she couldn't agree with Mormonism at all, and decided to leave that faith. This was a difficult journey for her. Her faith was all she had and all she lived for. But she couldn't, in all conscience, follow that way anymore.
Instead of turning to God and finding out about who He is and what He has done for us, Carrie chose to go her own way, becoming agnostic. Although she tried to be "normal," the author developed anxiety and depression, and had suicidal thoughts through the years. Carrie also struggled to have healthy relationships with authority figures in her life.
After failing to find purpose and meaning in human relationships and career, she decided to try different churches, to see if she could find one that was opposite of what she experienced growing up. She found a good church and pastor and learned through experience and wise people the true gospel of Christ. She found peace and a new identity in Jesus, as a child of God.
Over time, Carrie is able to forgive her dad, understanding that as he was abused and neglected, this cycle repeats itself through generations unless it it consciously interrupted with truth and healing. Carrie finds that through what she has suffered, God can use for His glory, and she finds purpose in helping others who are victims of abuse. She takes responsibility for her choices as an adult, and learns to forgive herself in the process.
Throughout the memoir, Carrie shares her own opinions about humanity and God. She is real and open about what she thinks and feels. I found her honesty refreshing. I highly recommend this book for anyone, for it is an interesting read and a learning process enveloped in Carrie's narrative.
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